Christians are straight up FREAKS
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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