I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
