I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
