White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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