The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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