I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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