nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
