My cat gives me a boner
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
