So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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