conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
