our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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