I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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