K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
