genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
