wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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