My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
