Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
