shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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