Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
