you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
