dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
