the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
