You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
