Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
