Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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