i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
