Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
