i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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