Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
