So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
