Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
