Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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