you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
