this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
