I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
