mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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