3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Tell her she can't have a vagina
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
