and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
