Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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