my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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