Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
