how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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