Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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