Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
