to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
the day after is always just damage control
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
