discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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