I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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