Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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