You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
