Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
