You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
