i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
