I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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